Book Review: The Selection

After the United States is conquered by China during World War IV, Gregory Illea rises to power, creating Illea: a new nation consisting of present day North America, split into 35 provinces, and turned into a monarchy. The people of Illea are separated into 8 castes with 1 being the royals and 8 being the homeless. Current Illea find themselves in a time of war and celebration with Prince Maxon Shreave finally being of age to find his princess. And with Illea tradition comes The Selection, a competition wherein 35 girls are chosen from all of the castes to live in the palace and fight for both Maxon’s heart and the crown of Illea. Pressured to sign up is a Five by the name of America Singer. But with her heart still yearning for a boy back home and her low status amongst a group of primped and polished girls fighting against her, America finds herself struggling to even want to compete. Until she meets Maxon. Now America’s heart is being pulled in every which way – for Aspen, for Maxon, for her family, for Illea, for her hatred of the caste system, and most importantly, for herself. Will she stay and fight for Maxon, knowing full well that she might not have what it takes to be royal? Or will she give up the crown to go back to her first love and a life with no power to change it?

My best friend is actually in love with this series and she finally forced persuaded me to start reading the books. The way she pitched it to me was, “they’re saying it’s like The Hunger Games meets The Bachelor.” Which confused me to no end – until, of course, I actually read it and gave an immediate, “ohhhh!” Also, as I am typing up this review, I will admit that at this point in time I have read both The Selection and it’s sequel, The Elite, because a certain someone was so adamant about me finishing the series in a day (which, I’ll give her credit for, she could probably do). So I’m going to try to go back and only talk about the contents of the first book. Shoutout to my impatient bestie who has created chaos in my reading schedule. Let’s begin.

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Spoilers Ahead!

Don’t read on if you haven’t read the book!

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I feel like I’ve started most of these reviews with a preface, so why stop now? Let’s preface this one, saying that I have a bit of a dislike with love triangles in books. They don’t intrigue me as much. And they just cause me a shit ton of anxiety. Moreover, having a love triangle makes the lead character more susceptible to being a Mary Sue – which I see happening a lot in this book. It’s almost like America can do no wrong. America is beautiful. America is the underdog that the citizens love. America has befriended the maids and cares for the little people because she is a lower caste herself. And I’m not saying she’s a flat character or that she has no flaws. I just never feel like I want to cheer her on. I spent most of the book frustrated with her predicaments (more so in the second one I would say?) and wishing she would just make a damn decision. She’s so damn indecisive and it drives me crazy.

For the most part, the world of Illea is interesting, but it does remind me of the Hunger Games way too much. I can see how a lot of people complain that this book is just a knockoff. I mean both Panem and Illea are dystopian nations in North America. They’re both separated into sectors: one being districts and the other being a caste system. Both are run by the highest number: the Capitol and the Ones, where the wealth is disproportionally given in their favor. Both include people from all of the land being put in a competition where the rulers decide who wins. (Now if the girls of the Selection were fighting each other to the death this would be way more interesting, way more offensive and way more rip-offy of the Hunger Games…but I digress). And I mean, let’s be honest. The minute Gavril Fadaye was introduced, I almost called him Caesar Flickerman. Like – I see it. I get it. Very similar. But it wouldn’t be something that prevented me from reading it. I find no problem with the similarities. So let’s move on..

..to characters. I had the hardest time getting attached to characters in this book. And I don’t know if this was a personal issue or an issue with the writing. In no way, shape, or form did I love America as a main character. She annoyed me to no end. First, because her problems mostly relied on boys. It was literally a ping pong tournament between her ‘love’ for Aspen and her ‘love’ for Maxon. And I put love in quotes because I don’t think she has any clue what that word even means. She was a Five before the Selection. Now, that’s not the greatest to be, but it’s also not a Six with Aspen, wondering if you’re even going to eat that day and having your little brother whipped because he just wanted to fill the hunger in his stomach. So, already I’m a bit skeptical about her because she talks about the lower castes being garbage, but she also claims she only has like one or two nicer dresses, but what’s the use cuz they’re out of season (I’m sorry…what?) Now, in the beginning, America’s main problem is not that she is a Five. It’s that she’s in love with a Six and she’s afraid her parents wouldn’t approve because she’d have to go down another caste. Therefore, while society is an issue for America, her main problem is a boy. You know what, that’s understandable. Fine. Let her have boy problems. But now to get over Aspen because he doesn’t want her to basically demote herself to be with him, America is ‘forced’ to apply for the Selection. Because I guess it’s a good opportunity? Or for the money? I honestly stopped caring why. But surprise, surprise – America is picked as one of 35 girls for the Selection.

Now here is my problem. The entire premise of this book is about a dystopian nation that brings 35 girls from all over the country to basically fight in a competition – for a boy. In fact, they pretty much shun anyone who is only in it for the crown (even though, I feel like at that point you’re fighting more for a job position than for love.) You need to be in it for Maxon’s heart. And here comes a whole new string of issues for me. First, how do you expect to have someone fighting for someone’s heart when they know NOTHING about them. Most of these girls claimed they loved him before they were even formally introduced. Am I the only one who thinks that’s crazy? But don’t worry. It gets worse. Now, Maxon doesn’t normally leave the palace, so his social skills with women are pretty much nada (it bothers me that one moment he’s super awkward with girls, but the next he’s some sort of Casanova making them swoon? I just..) I feel for the kid who has to take on so much responsibility and deal with a life where he doesn’t really have any friends or people his age to interact with. But excuse me if I don’t throw a pity party for the boy who pretty much has 35 girls thrown at him so that he could have a wife. He spends most of the book complaining about how his decision is so hard to make. And I get it. Love should be something you naturally fall into. And you’re spending the rest of your life with this person. And all of the nation is watching your every move and throwing in their two cents. But fuck you if you think you’re going to show me a nation with a caste system that fucks over everyone on the bottom and then expect me to feel sympathy with the brat who thinks his biggest issue is finding love with one of the 35 girls who are begging to be with him. Your nation is in chaos. Your people are starving. There are rebels trying to kill you. And then there’s Maxon being all sad because just like everyone else in his damn nation, he can’t have a ‘normal’ life.

Which makes my decision of liking Aspen so much easier. I’ll admit, in the beginning I hated Aspen for breaking up with America and basically being a little bitch because she was bringing home the bacon (like damn, Aspen! That’s sexist as fuck! Who wouldn’t want a sugar mama..) But throughout the series, I liked him more and more. He’s just so loyal to her and honestly as much as he broke her, I don’t think America deserves to have him still fighting for her. You cant blame the guy for wanting a better life for the girl he loves. (Whereas, Maxon is basically cheating on you with 34 other girls that he’s trying to fall in love with, so…)

You know what I would have liked? You know the beginning of the competition when they were just friends helping each other out? That was adorable. And I wanted to see way more of that. And I wanted to feel the tension. I wanted them to take longer to realize that they should be together. I wanted less of the other girls as competition and more of her convincing herself that they’re just friends until one moment brings her to realize that she had actually been in love with him all along. It just all went too fast for me to enjoy.

Speaking of fast – if you asked me to name you all the girls in this competition, I would laugh at you. I barely remember anyone from the beginning and I think I was halfway through the second book when I finally picked up on who was who. They just all blurred together and nothing set them apart. And I get that some of that was done intentionally, but she would throw names in there and I would have to sit there and wonder who the fuck she was talking about.

Let’s bring up the Hunger Games comparison for a quick second. Now, the reason I loved the Hunger Games was not only for the amazing world that was created, but for Katniss as a main character. She was just so strong and so willing to fight. That book was a full on love triangle and not once did she let a boy get in the way of her as a person. Her family was before everything. The people she cared for was before everything. And I mean, she wasn’t really a likeable person. She had a stubborn and shitty personality. But she was a boss. And she fought for the people. She made a difference. She knew she wasn’t a hero and she didn’t want to be one. But when they pushed her against a wall, she stood up, she basically said fuck off to her love triangle issue (because when you’re in the middle of a damn war, boy problems shouldn’t be a fucking issue!) and she destroyed it. America tries to be Katniss. But she struggles to have that female empowerment and that notion of putting the greater good before everything else. Yes, she fights for the people. But her main issues are boys and which one she’s going to pick and the fact that Maxon might pick someone else as princess. And I don’t really care about that. I want her to start rebellions. I want her to get off her ass and do something. And while she tries – she doesn’t live up to what I think her character could be. A character I could admire. That might just be me. Not to say that others might not like her. I just didn’t really care for her or her issues.

Now, I will say this. The series is basically built to be an introduction, the main action, and a resolution. This first book was just an introduction to the story, to the world, to these characters. And I can’t place too much judgment because the other books will fill in a lot of gaps. I mean, I’ve finished the second book and I can say that I probably liked it a lot more than the first one. I definitely learned a lot more. I was more intrigued. I was still very annoyed. But it made me feel a lot better about the series. If you guys want another review after I’m done with all of them let me know. But for now, this is all I have to say.

Let me know what you guys thought about the book. Was it just me? Did you guys have similar problems? Maybe I’m a crazy person. Who knows!

Seasons of Love

You and I changed with the season

I wondered why, but had no reason

First it was blazing, then it was freezing

Is this love or is it just teasing?

Summer brought the smoking heat

The pounding drum, the hypnotic beat

I’d hear it blare, a song on repeat

And feel the rhythm each time we’d meet

Sweat dripped down my blushing face

As you closed the remaining space

Gentle fingers slowly traced

The skin beneath the detailed lace

“There’s nowhere else I’d rather be

Than here with you laying next to me

To feel so happy and carefree”

I smiled and nodded, “I agree”

But Fall’s foreshadow cast us in the dark

Soon, we were just a big question mark

And I tried to keep alive the Summery spark

But I’d feel it die down with every doubting remark

I tried to understand with each obstacle you threw

Why you kept us apart, why you bid us adieu

Because it might have hurt less if only I knew

But as the leaves changed color, so did you

“You’re being weird.” “Everything’s the same.”

“We barely even talk.” “So now I’m to blame?”

“I just want to go back!” I hear myself exclaim

“I’m sorry, we can’t” douses the last flame

Winter’s chill ran down my spine

As I tried to lie and say I was fine

As I came to terms, we were at the end of the line

The sun was no longer ours to shine

Goosebumps up and down my skin

Thinking of what we could have been

Wishing I didn’t feel this way within

And feeling the world slowly start to spin

“I don’t understand where I went wrong.

I thought we had something, I thought we were strong.”

And that hypnotic beat? My favorite song?

It wouldn’t be playing much before long

After the storm, Spring brought back some light

But no, it still didn’t make everything right

It didn’t dull the pain or stop the bite

But there was something there, ready to ignite

It would never be the same, of that much we knew

But Spring brought forth flowers, and like them we grew

For once I saw color, every shade and every hue

And realized the feelings I’d always have for you

“I thought we were over, that this was the end

But all that we needed was some time to mend”

“I know that it’s hard, but it’s something I recommend”

“I agree. I will always love you as a friend.”


Thank you to Jalatamelon for nominating me for her summer blogger challenge. Click on the link and go show some love!

One Year Anniversary

Last week marked a full year that I have been on WordPress and since then I have been in a blur of emotions. When I first started this blog, it was more to prove to myself that I could. It was extremely sloppy in the beginning. I didn’t really know what I was doing. My posts were either all over the place or on random days. I had no clear vision of what I wanted it to be. And then after I started being a little more consistent, after getting feedback and followers, after having long conversations with friends, the vision started to get more defined. This blog was my stepping stone to getting back on track.

As I have mentioned, being a writer has been a dream lurking in the back of my head since middle school and though it showed great moments of promise, it has also been extremely muddled throughout the years. Although I was getting my degree in Creative Writing, I spent most of my college life feeling anxiety over whether or not I could do it and I eventually only wrote for my classes. Meaning I was no longer writing on the side. I hadn’t touched my novel in years. And to make matters more difficult, I was working on short stories in class (I actually have a post where I mention my struggles with short stories), which didn’t benefit my aspiration of writing lengthier novels.

See, at the start of this blog, I was at the low point of my ‘career’ as a writer. AKA I was questioning whether I could even call myself that anymore. But once my vision cleared, once I put my mind to what this blog would become, I vowed to work my hardest to gain that title again. And so there was a new mission for Eat. Love. Scrawl. To help me fall back in love with writing. And it wasn’t so much to show my writing to the world. It was more to show my writing to myself. And while I loved the support I felt from every one of you that liked and commented, this was something I was doing for myself. It was acknowledging that I could still do this.

So now, a year later, I can proudly say that I have accomplished everything I initially set out to do. I’m actually writing in my free time. And yes, I was a bit rusty for most of those months, but I’m gaining my voice back. I’m finally reading again! Thanks to the challenge I set for myself. If you guys have been keeping up, you know that I have 4 months and 4 books left to complete. And I’ve been keeping up with every single one. But most importantly, I am finally able to push myself to write up a plan and stick with it. But more about that in a moment. First, an explanation as to why this year mark was so bittersweet.

It is extremely difficult to revel in your own personal accomplishments when you are constantly being compared to other people. I feel like a lot of the times, there are these societal and cultural expectations of success and if we don’t follow the path, then we are made to feel as if we’re always one step behind everyone else.

I always hate being asked about what I’m doing with writing, because it’s such a loaded question and the answer isn’t very easy to give. So the only thing people take away from that conversation is that I got my degree but have nothing to show for it. Now, if I could, I would sit each one of them down and say,

“Look. Writing has been my dream for as long as I can remember. But there were so many things going against me and I would love to be one of those stories where I fought against all my obstacles and I kept going even when the going got tough, but I can’t. Because, yes, I got scared. And yes, I thought I was making a mistake. And yes, I have doubted myself for so many years. So out of doubt, I stopped writing. And it sucked. And I hated myself for it. I didn’t think I could be good enough. I didn’t think I could make it. And I wasn’t sure what I was doing with my life.

It took me years to be the person I am now. To know the things I do now. To have the strength that I do now. And it may seem like I’m so behind, but I’m finally 100% in on taking the reigns and finishing this race.

I might have doubted myself. I might have stopped. I might not have been the inspiration story. But I got up after I was knocked down and dragged through the mud. And I couldn’t be more proud of myself or feel more accomplished than I do now.

So no. I don’t have any novels ready. No, I haven’t been super active in writing. No, I don’t have anything published. But I don’t need to explain that to you. Because I’m working at my own pace trying to mentally prepare myself for my life and in the end, I don’t care if you judge me for not being where I am expected to be.”

But I can’t say all that. So I will say this. To anyone who feels like they’re not where they’re supposed to be in life. To anyone who gets compared to their peers. To anyone feeling like they’re the only one in their group who has yet to do something with their lives. To anyone who feels like a mess. You are never too late to succeed. You are never too late to accomplish your goals. And be happy when you achieve any small one at any point in your life. Because goals are what you set for yourself, so don’t let anyone else dictate what you should or should not be doing at this point.

Now that a year has passed, I’m finally ready to start my new goals. I’ll be working on my novel, writing pieces for competitions, and doing some projects on the side. With that in mind, this blog is going to be a bit different. I won’t be posting stories as frequently. I’ll still be doing the book reviews for the next four books. But besides that, the posts may be a little different than what I’m used to posting. I’m still working out the kinks so bare with me. I might need some time to get a new vision for this blog.

Until then, thank you so much to everyone who takes their time to follow my blog and read my posts. It is greatly appreciated. Hope you guys have an amazing day. I’ll keep you all posted.

The Doorkeeper

She heard the grinding of gears before her eyes registered to the blinding light. Four walls surrounded her – all padded and white. No windows. No doors. She was in a cell. Again..

“I know you’re watching me!” she shouted, but no one responded. They never did. They would always just leave her in the craze of her own silence, waiting to-

“Hello, Sarah.” The voice was very cold. Sharp – like a razor. And yet, somehow all too familiar.

“Who are you?” she said, slowly turning to look at all four walls. Which one was he behind?

“Who I am is irrelevant. This is about you,” he said, straining emphasis on his last word. It sent a shiver down her spine. Something was different this time. And very wrong.

“What do you want?” she whispered. She knew he heard her. Even if she used her smallest voice. They were always in her head.

“I’m afraid your portion of the time is up, Miss Rivers. I ask the questions now,” he said.

Five years – jumping from one nut house to the next. With only a couple months between each where she was allowed to go back home. Only to be shipped off again when the next episode kicked in. Each time pleading for someone to believe her. No one ever did. Because no one ever asked her questions…

“Lie and the walls close in. Tell the truth? And we’ll expand them. Your fate is in your hands, Miss Rivers. Are you willing to cooperate?”

Sarah closed her eyes. In all the time she had wanted someone to hear her out, she felt it would give her relief. A weight off her chest. A sign that would tell her she hadn’t imagined it all. But this? This didn’t feel right.

She took a breath only to realize she had been holding it in. Her heart felt like it was about to pound out of her chest.

“Miss Rivers? Are you willing to cooperate?” the voice repeated.

“Yes,” she said and immediately regretted it.

She felt it under her feet. The shifting of the walls. They were closing in on her. Just an inch closer.

“I see this is off to a rocky start,” the voice sighed. She could hear the frustration in his professional tone. “Let’s start with the easy ones. What is your name?”

Breathe in. Breathe out.

“Sarah Christie Rivers,” she said. The walls shifted back to their original positions.

“Good,” the voice said. “Where do you live?”

Oh no. It’s happening.

“5741 Sycamore Drive.”

“Miss Rivers, how long have you lived in this home?”

“Five,” she said, swallowing the lump in her throat. “Five years.”

“And in those five years, have you noticed anything…peculiar?”

“I- I don’t know,” she stuttered, turning around as the room started getting smaller.

“Have you noticed anything peculiar?” the voice repeated more aggressively.

“Yes,” she sighed, her eyes darting from one wall to the next.

“What have you noticed?” he asked.

“It’s old,” she said. The walls expanded, but the man grunted in anger.

“Miss Rivers. What have you noticed?” She could tell he was growing impatient with her. His tone sent another shiver down her spine.

“A door! There’s a door,” she said, afraid of the confined space.

“Where?”

“In the – in the basement.”

“Tell me about the door.”

“No.”

“Tell me about the door!”

The walls were an inch away. She tried not to think about them, but it was all too real. Sweating. Rapid heart beat. Nausea. Hyperventilation. It was happening. She needed to get out of here.

“You’ve seen what’s behind the door, haven’t you, Miss Rivers?”

Sarah nodded her head.

“And no one believed you?” There was humor in his voice. He was mocking her. She didn’t know what this man wanted. But whatever it was, it wasn’t to benefit her.

“I’m not crazy,” she pleaded, biting down on her lip as she urged the tears back. They were burning her eyes, but she didn’t dare close them.

“Why don’t they believe you, Miss Rivers?” he hissed.

“I-” she started and shook her head. She knew it would be a mistake to tell him anything else. And he knew that.

“No more games, Miss Rivers,” he said. “My generosity has run dry. The room can only get smaller from here.”

Sarah felt her strength escape her as the walls pressed against her skin. Her body shook as she tried not to think about running out of air. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe. But nothing was helping. And he wasn’t going to let her out until he got what he wanted.

“Why don’t they believe you?” he questioned. She could hear the clear malicious tone in his voice.

“You can’t open it – from our side,” she said, hating herself for being weak.

“What do you mean – our side?”

She shook her head and cried out as the walls grew closer.

“I don’t know which side we’re on!” she screamed.

“Then how do you know it opens?” he growled.

Sarah shut her eyes and felt the tears run down to the corners of her mouth. She tasted the salt as she desperately pushed against the walls.

“What do you want from me?” she cried out.

“It’s not you we want, Sarah.” The voice was louder now. It was coming from everywhere. And she was almost out of space. “Where is The Doorkeeper?” the booming voice demanded.

Sarah watched the walls close the space around her as the words escaped her mouth, “I don’t know.”


*A story inspired by the writing prompt: “You find yourself in a padded cell with no apparent exit. A mysterious voice asks you all sorts of questions, philosophical and personal. The walls close in when you lie or fear dying and expand when you answer correctly.”

Book Review: The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Starting high school isn’t easy for anyone, especially after your best friend commits suicide, but with the help of some new, older friends, Charlie is creating a different life for himself: one where he finally feels like he fits in. With a love for books and a mind full of confused thoughts, Charlie tracks this first year of high school by sending letters to a person he knows will just be there to listen. Through these letters, we get a glimpse of what life was like for him. The friendships. The loves. The drinking. The memories. The lessons both good and bad. Can Charlie survive his first year as a freshman?

 

So this was long overdue, but I can finally say that I have read “The Perks of Being a Wallflower” and really enjoyed it! Let’s get into it, shall we?

Spoilers Ahead!!

Do not go on if you haven’t read the book!

You have been warned!

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Alright, let’s start this with a preface. This is your typical coming of age story. Not something that I’m super fond of reading (it might be the age thing? I think I just grew out of it) but it’s not really something I freely pick up off the shelf. But this was different. I felt like this was a classic. I’ve been told to read it so many times and I’ve had so many people try to discuss it with me. I officially needed to be one of those people who can talk about it. So here we are. Post-reading this book. And I have officially been initiated into the committee.

The thing I love the most is how it was all written in letters. It portrays Charlie’s voice, it sets the tone, it gives us more context clues about his character, it dates things that need to be dated, and it also builds the tension. I love stories that take a sort of unconventional route to tell them, so for me, this was awesome. I struggled a bit with the writing at first. Charlie writes the way a monotone person speaks. It just didn’t flow as naturally as I wanted it to. But once again, that’s more to say about the character and not a problem with the actual story. I like that I could see a change in his writing as we got closer to the end of the book. There is some definite character growth both as a person and as an intellect and I love that we could see that through his letters.

I like that he was a complex character. I knew there was something special about Charlie. I just didn’t know what. In the end, we learn the truth about his aunt and how he gets diagnosed with PTSD. That entire thing came as a bit of a shock to me. Which is amazing, because most of the time, I can easily call out what will happen at the end of stories. So great ending on Chbosky’s part. Really blindsided me. It also created this suspense. Charlie was just always – I don’t want to say getting into trouble, but I guess getting himself into sticky situations? If you could call it that? With his siblings, with random strangers, with Sam. I was just sort of on edge most of the time, worrying that he was getting in over his head. I don’t know why, but I did feel slightly protective over this character? Is that weird? It was just something about how helpless he seemed most of the time. I just couldn’t see him getting hurt. I’m glad that I got to watch him grow and learn and turn into someone who could handle things on his own.

I like that he befriended Sam and Patrick. I think he needed older kids to make him a bit more mature. I think it was a good learning experience. There were parts with drugs and risky behavior that I could see being an issue for a freshman, but in the end, I think it was all good for him. And I think it said more about Charlie and the other characters. Here, you have these older kids who aren’t really mature themselves (they act like seniors in high school who think they’re adults and they know it all when in fact they’re just as lost as the freshman) and you make them seem mature because they treat Charlie better than any of the kids in his class. And then you have his sister who is also the same age as his friends. And at the end of it, it just all makes sense. Chbosky needed a way to reach out and show us the depth of these characters through a narrator told solely in one-way letters and I think he achieved that using the age of the characters.

If we’re talking about characters, I think Bill was amazing. I love how he had a teacher looking out for him. I love more that he saw potential in Charlie and that he pushed him as much as he could. I loved their love of books. It was great to see him excelling at something.

I mean, overall, there wasn’t anything I really had a problem with. Which kind of makes this a boring review. Not to say this book was perfect. Once again, I’m not interesting in solely coming of age stories. I need me some fantasy or sci-fi. But this was still good. I think this would be a great book for freshman to read. I can totally see it being part of a curriculum. I think I’ve actually seen it being taught at a few schools. It’s great to see younger people connecting with books and actually reading. And I think what’s great about this story is that it’s almost timeless? I mean, for the most part, these characters are hipsters. The only reference that might fly over some reader’s heads is the Rocky Horror Picture Show play that they put on. But, I mean, that’s a cult classic. I don’t think anyone wouldn’t know what that is. And if they didn’t, they should go check it out!

So here’s to years and years of this book being read by confused, puberty stricken teens who just want there to be someone there to listen to them. Not say anything back. Just listen. I hope this book gives them comfort.

One is the Loneliest Number

I’ve countlessly mentioned on here the whole process of me deciding to commit to being a writer and the struggles that I am going through. I know I’ve talked about the motivation issues that I’ve had and, to be honest, still have. But today I’m going to talk about another issue – because this is something that I have currently, more than ever, been dealing with.

When I was younger – like teenager younger, around high school time – I had this notion in my head that I wanted a career where I was my own boss and I worked alone. It’s a bit strange because I am the time of person who works great with others and I love teamwork. But I do also have a certain way of doing things and I always feel work will always get done better if I did it myself. I am a perfectionist. I am a very objective-oriented person. I don’t like cutting corners. I don’t like putting off work. And not everyone is like that, so I always feel like doing things myself is the way to go. This is a personal preference.

So I had this idea in my head – I didn’t want to work with other people. And so being a novelist was almost perfect for me. For the most part, I would be working with myself. For the most part, I would be the one making decisions, I would be the one putting in the work. I would essentially be my own boss. Perfect, great, awesome. And it was…for the first bit.

Back when writing was just a hobby, this shit came so much easier. And that’s a completely different post, so I won’t get into it as much, but just know that I used to get shit done. And then I hit my bumpy road. Now, everything is sort of up in the air with writing. And I’m starting to realize something… I am not the person I was in high school. I am not the writer I was when I first started. And I definitely don’t have the same mindset. So here is my struggle – over the years of this bumpy road, I have realized that working with other people might have been a better choice. Let me explain why.

Being in charge of myself, I am the only person to blame when shit doesn’t get done. And I am the only person who can do that shit. And I am the only person who can push myself to do that shit. So essentially, I need to be on my A game at all times. Which is hard when you’re struggling with a lack of motivation and anxiety and just not knowing what the fuck to do next in life. It’s hard. And it’s something that I’m going through alone, which makes it even harder.

There are times that I wish I had someone else working with me, if not to do some of the work, but to push me. To help me make decisions. To help me figure out what it is I need to do to reach my goals. Because I’m drowning here in the oblivion. I need to be around creative people. I need to be around hardworkers. I need to be around ambitious creators. And I know this now. It has taken a few years, but I’ve finally realized that I can’t do everything by myself. I need to let other people in. And that is extremely hard for me to admit (because I am a crazy person).

So yeah. Working on your own has its benefits, but it also has a lot of struggles that come with it. And it’s just so interesting to see how much my mentality has changed. And I write this, not just because its something I needed to get off my chest, but because I know so many people out there who are trying to figure out what they want to do with their lives. And maybe you know. Maybe you’ve always known. Maybe your mind is set. I know how that can be. But just – think of all the possibilities before you decide on something. Take help where you can get it. Don’t put all the pressure on yourself. And know that people change. You will change. You will be a different person, hopefully for the better. And this isn’t to say you shouldn’t follow your dreams. I’m not backing out of wanting to be a writer. I’m just realizing that I need to figure out a way to alter my situation where I can still do what I’m doing but bring other people into the mix. So wish me luck. Not sure how this is going to work. I’ll keep you guys posted..

Disney Villains Part 3

There is no other pirate as remarkable and grand

Blackbeard may rule the seven seas, but I run Neverland

Nothing will get in my way, not even that croc that took my hand

For I have something darker, smarter, and more evil planned

 

I’ll settle for nothing less, revenge is my only must

And I’ll sail throughout this retched land to gain what’s right and just

Soon Peter and those Lost Boys will learn their lesson, you can trust

I’m through with all these fairies and their stupid pixie dust

 

You’re through with those pixies? I’m done with this beast

He’s a 2 out of 10, I’m perfection at least

My muscles and charm make the heart rates increase

I’m a grand work of art, a true masterpiece

 

I’ve tried for years, but she’s stubborn still

Perhaps she’s going blind? Is she feeling ill?

To get what I want – don’t think I won’t kill

If I can’t have Belle, then no one else will!